Being enough

I know many people make resolutions for the new year starting in January, however the Franke's have decided to shake things up a bit.  As our school year came to and end we were faced with the hot question, "what are you doing this summer? Do you have any plans?"  Well, as many of you know, last summer I had one week where I felt great.  Then one Sunday I woke up with a sore throat but powered through and by the end of the day my throat felt raw.  About a week later I had my tonsils removed.  Going into this I knew it was going to be hard.  Or at least I had others telling me how hard the recovery is for adults.  Truth is, it was even harder than I expected.  For probably the first time in my life I actually took all of the pain meds they prescribed and used the refill.  It took until after July 4th to feel somewhat normal, and the rest of July to get any level of energy back.  So basically last summer was horrible.  The boys are great and never did complain about how boring it was, or blame me for a bum of a summer.  But as a mom and wife, I laid on that level of guilt and shame on myself.  Its so easy to beat ourselves up for feeling like we don't measure up to anything.  It wasn't until recently that I realized I was doing this to myself.  My mom took me to on a girls night to see 'Moms Night Out' and it was so funny.  I really don't know if I have ever laughed that hard in the theater before.  It is a good, clean movie that every parent can relate too.  I even asked a few girls from work to go on a girls night the following weekend to see it.  (For those of you that haven't seen it, I woke give it all away, and you should go see it).  But I felt like I could relate so well to the main character.  A mom trying to put it all together and constantly feeling like every other mom has it all figured out.  I have set these expectations on myself.  No one has asked them of me or hinted for them or even demanded them.  I have done it all on my own.  And about 3/4 the way through the movie a speech is given that touched me and many other women.  Who is it I don't feel like I'm being good enough for; my kids?  My husband?  My family/friends?  The youth group?  Or is it myself?  Jesus didn't make a mistake when he gave me this life, my amazing husband and kids, my family and friends, etc.  I was reminded I may be a mess but I'm a beautiful mess.  I'm a masterpiece and that is enough.  All of these expectations I have put on myself have been done so by me.  No one else put them there.  Being a mom is hard.  Whether you are a stay at home mom or a mom who works outside the home.  For the past 7 years I had the privilege to stay home and it is very tough.  There are days I felt like I accomplished nothing other than keep everyone alive and injury free! :)  And there were days I felt like super mom, those were few and far between but still occurred.  I then started working on staff for our church and taking classes online to finish my degree.  I think that is where and when my expectation overload started. I was not only a wife and a mom, but a youth pastor, a children's pastor, a college student and all the hats you have to wear when you do stay home.  I was able to balance it all for a while.  It wasn't until last fall, after being sick and having a lot of time to think and not talk, that I started to feel as if I was failing.  My kids went to school and had no big memories, vacations or anything from the summer to share.  I began taking my classes again after taking the summer off and most of the time while doing my homework all I could feel was guilt.  There were so many more things I could be doing around the house and for our family.  Usually that list of things I felt had to be done won and school got pushed.  By the time January got here my priority for school had become low.  I know by finishing and doing the work now will only help my family more later but I can't tell my heart that.  My brain gets it, my heart doesn't.  I hate having to choose between getting homework done or going on a field trip, class party, etc.  I hated having to miss out on the boys' basketball games from time to time because papers had to be written.  It then came to a point I felt to guilty for not helping Heath out more by providing more for our family.  After graduation, yes maybe there would be opportunity to earn more of an income but that doesn't help the present.  I have thought for years about applying in our school district.  So I finally did it.  And now I am a Para at the boys' elementary school working with some really amazing staff.  I'm glad for the summer break because the kids really just checked out and were ready for summer.  But to be honest, I would be completely happy if we could start again this week. I absolutely love the job.  It really doesn't feel like a job.  I may not have gotten a degree to be a para but I can tell you that I love it and wake up every day excited to get to work.  So with all of this happiness and great things happening why would I still not feel like enough?  I still don't know the answer to that question but I can now say that I am content with not knowing.  The message in this movie, being a mess but a beautiful mess, a masterpiece, is what I needed to hear: to really hear.  So this summer we don't have any big plans but a lot of little ones and enjoying life in the moment and learning to be enough.