Worn

I had the privilege of meeting with a close friend who is also my accountability partner.  We are both wives, moms, daughters and servants to our Lord.  This started as a class project over a year ago and we still meet

to this day for lunches.  Some times we just laugh and swap stories about our crazy kids and husbands!  :) Other times the conversation is deep, honest, near to the heart.  Every time we meet is a joy and renewal for me.  Today my friend brought up this song.  

I came home and listened to it...really listened to what the words were saying.  This song spoke straight to my heart.  How easy it is to let this world bog me down.  For those of that do not know I work at the church, I am the children's/youth pastor.  It is part time.  Let me just say, I am not sure there is a part time in ministry.  Ministry isn't something you can just leave, it isn't something you walk away from at 5 pm...and I love it!!  I love waking up and knowing the work I am doing directly affects the church and peoples lives.  In that same breath I also get scared and nervous and doubtful of my abilities.  With that said, up until recently, meaning with the past few weeks, I have had a very hard time balancing ministry and family time.  It is easy to say its only part time and so work part days.  For me it is not so easy.  When I am home with Caleb I want to be home with him.  Color, play, read, work on colors, shapes and letters.  However I am constantly pulled to dust, do laundry or mop.  Something always needs done and I see it.  So I have divided my time to play with Caleb and then do a few things for the house and now Caleb loves to help.  Yes it takes longer but we get to be together and I love that.  Now afternoon is here and Caleb gets on the bus to go to preschool.  I have 3 1/2 hours before I have to get the boys from school.  This is generally when I try and run any errands so we don't have to do it later with 3 little tag alongs that always end up costing us more money.  And is also when I focus my time on the kids and teens.  The problem I am having is I don't like to do anything half way and then soon I would find myself running around like a crazy person trying to do everything 100% and in the end not making it.  My last week of finals...I became worn.  I struggled to make my ends meet.  I made mistakes.  I felt crushed big time by the weight of expectations.  It has been a few weeks now and this song as been what has been in my heart.  Last weekend, Heath and I had the fantastic opportunity to go away for a date weekend.  We were able to go to Kansas City with two really great friends, my friend I mentioned earlier and her husband.  No kids, no schedules.  Heath and I relaxed and laughed and fellowshipped with our friends and it was...well, the best weekend we could have asked for.  We laughed until we cried, we shopped, laughed some more, ate meals together and laughed again.  On Sunday night we all attended the a concert.  It was a night of worship and it was exactly what we needed.  Do you ever have that feeling in worship, where you are so consumed with the spirit, and your entire being is worshipping, yet the words cannot come out?  It is a feeling like non other, a feeling only God can give you to experience.  To be in awe, and love, and praise to our creator and King...its hard to put into words and that is where music usually comes in.  At least for me it does.  I stood there, with my hands held high, praising my God and King, unable to actually sing the words.  I was so consumed and felt like I could finally put all of my armor down, all of my barriers and just love Him.  Up until that moment, I felt worn.  I was tearing myself into too many things, trying to go to too many places and get too much done.  I have since learned, how to do better and be better.  Not all of that realization came at once.  It took almost 2 weeks for me to get there.  Well, really, 31 years! LOL  Which brings me to my next song.

This came on the radio today after I had lunch with my friend. I left my time with her, renewed and excited just for life.  This came on and I found myself immediately in tears.  I had to pull my car over and just take the moment with God in.  I do need God now, but I need Him always.  He is my direction.  I need him as I change my "routine" of day to day and do the very best that I can for Him and His Kingdom.  At no point do I want to put myself first and this was a great reminder and evidently I needed the instant reminder, that I need God.  I cried out so many times the words to this song and now, instead of a cry I feel it as more of a push as I moved onward in ministry.  Everyday I walk through and experience things that make me feel so unworthy and inadequate.  But I know with God in front of me, leading me and guiding me, I'll be okay.  My best is yet to come and I am excited for the future!

P.S. Totally off the subject but I have to give a shout out to Heath! He just celebrated 10 years at Payless!!! He loves his job and I am so thankful for that!